May Mustache Madness

At what point did mustaches stop being cool? Did they? Is it that the mustache itself is cool or is it measured by the coolness of the person growing one? These were the questions which led to our recent May Mustache Madness challenge at work.

Let me start by explaining the event. For the month of May I got a lot of the men from work to agree that we were going to pitch in a couple bucks, grow out our facial hair, and then shave everything off but the mustache at some point in the month. Then we would have to proudly wear that stache for the rest of the month. At the end of the month the rest of the company would vote on the best and worst looks and the "winners" would split the pot. What's that? You're wondering if I realize that it is mid-June and I am finally writing about May? Yes I know it's a bit late. What can I say, it takes me longer to write a blog than it does to grow a mustache apparently! Stop judging me, when's the last time you wrote something longer than an email or a Facebook post? If you weren't judging me I apologize. I'm a bit prickly after this experience, I'll try and explain my craziness as I go...

As a concept everyone was totally excited and instantly on board. Then the facial hair started to grow.

In the first week everyone was still excited and getting scruffy. At this point it was just an excuse not to shave for a couple days. In week 2 the quitting started. The clean shaven dudes would slink around the office until eventually getting called out for the early exit. Here is an example of one of these early exchanges:

Pope: Dude, what happened to the scruff?
MC: I just couldn't do it dude.
Pope: Seriously amigo, it's only been a week?
MC: Dude, I'm single. I have a hard enough time with the ladies without looking ridiculous all month.

Yup, that actually happened. In my mind this was the reason behind each of the quitters leaving the challenge. Regardless of what they said I'm sure it was this exact reason.

Here I am the day before the we had to shave.









By the end of the month we only had twelve of thirty guys left in the contest. There was a wide range of styles as everyone positioned for the final vote. I decided that I had to do something drastic to get noticed in this thing. I decided to leave big chops connected to my mustache and a patch on my chin. The patch on my chin was quickly voted as illegal since it wasn't part of my stache so I shaved it off the following day. In that first 24 hours I was told I looked like the following:

Circus Bear Trainer
Hot air balloon Operator
Dude on one of those bikes with a big front wheel
German Kaiser
Old West Marshall
I think you get the idea

So here is the look that inspired such creativity. Don't forget I had to shave the chin after the first day.

Needless to say the rest of the month was a real hoot. For the first couple days I was amazed at how happy everyone around me at work was. Everyone was laughing. People were walking by with the biggest smiles on their faces. It would be a couple seconds before I realized these people we not joyous about their work day, they were laughing at my face. This phenomenon wasn't confined to work either.

While getting food at the drive through I was sure that after giving me my drink, the dude behind the window called over his pimply friends for a giggle at my expense. Super size this, jackass! To make matters worse, at the beginning of May we moved in to a new neighborhood.This is the look that many of my new neighbors got when they first met or saw me. I'm sure anyone who saw me in passing were convinced that some gun nut had moved in next door to them.  I would get double takes from people driving down my street. People would slow down to get a second look. If I had mentioned this to my wife she would have quickly told me there is a speed bump right in front of my house and this was the real reason they were slowing down. Whatever V, don't try and steal my glory!

Speaking of my wife that was one of the first questions everyone asked me.  "What does V think of... well... this?" Great question, the facial art experiment was partially because I wanted to win the contest but also because I knew I could not actually wear a mustache at home and expect my wife to pay any attention to me. She literally cannot look at me when I have a stache. She tries but then she mumbles something like "creepy pedophile" and runs away. Anyway she was okay with my look. Her reasoning was simple: "You look more funny than pervy. I can deal with funny."

So after all this I have decided that growing a mustache did not make me any cooler, it just made me crazy. I was no modern Tom Selleck, I was more like a paranoid mad scientist or maybe Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeballs. I was thinking everyone was focused on my goofy facial hair (they totally were) and even if they had already gotten over it I couldn't help but bring it up in order to explain myself. So screw you Tom Selleck. Apparently you are just cooler than almost everyone I work with! Most of us looked ridiculous but we sure did have a great time doing it.

When all was said and done my gamble paid off and I won the award for best stache. Because we never actually collected any money from the group my winnings included a beer from the rest of the group (which only Dustin has paid up on) and a bunch of points for my man card. After hearing the prize people kept asking me why I would do all that for such trivial awards! To that all I can say is that I am refusing to be a zombie! (If you are confused my this reference go back and read my post about zombies last month)

Congrats to everyone who stuck it out and resisted the urge to be a zombie in May. Next up... "No Shave November?"

P.S. Can you guess who won the award for worst stache? Leave your guesses in the comments section...